Something is Wrong
by SomeKindofIdiot
Summary: The thrilling story of a world in turmoil, and the daring hero who rises from the ashes of... Oh, wait, that can't be right. I'm sorry, but this comic seems to have been hijacked. Please hang up and leave us alone.
1. Once Upon a Time

_Once upon a time,_

_(Because all good stories should start like that)_

_There was a world that was created in the mind of a somewhat deranged, insane, slightly disturbed cartoonist. Because all creativity is real on some level, this world not only existed in the artist's brain, but in a separate plane of existence reserved entirely for the artist's somewhat sick and twisted imaginings._

_However, the artist being the easily distracted human-being type thing that he is, either forgot the world he created or simply left it to rot in favor of some other, newer version of reality._

_This was a grave mistake._

_It resulted in the twisting of space and time, colossal tears in the fabric of reality, the virtual end of the world as we know it, as well as the destruction of many small innocent animals and quite a lot of tears shed by angsty teens who really cared nothing about the deterioration of the world, but rather needed something to complain about and thought this as good an excuse to whine as any._

_You might think that it'd be a good idea to go bother the artist now. To throw rocks at his car and stick pens in his eyes and fill his jelly donuts with something other than jelly. Not only would that be mean, but…_

_Well, actually, it'd be kinda funny._

_But then, without the artist, there would be no story._

_

* * *

_

_So once upon a time, in this incredibly horrible, pointy world that sits abandoned by it's creator, a door appeared._

_Just a door. Nothing fancy. Wooden, with a handle shaped exactly like a handle. It's quite unremarkable, really, except for the fact that it's standing in the middle of the road. _

_Yep. There is a door in this poor sad abandoned world, and this door was never there before. Nope. This door has spontaneously appeared, as sometimes happens in worlds abandoned by their inventors. Because without their creators around to protect them, they are quite… well, vulnerable._

_Though vulnerable wasn't exactly a good word for this particular world._

_The door. It stood alone in the center of the road. _

_Actually, in the center of a collection of car accidents which had occurred the moment it appeared in the middle of the street would have been a more accurate way of describing it._

_The people of the lonely, forlorn and rejected world, unaware of their state of virtual non-existence, just as they are unaware of nearly everything else, squawked and squealed loudly at each other in their confusion, trying to figure out who had decided to put a door in the street._

_None of the occupants of the discarded reality noticed as the door opened, revealing the worst things that could ever possibly happen to their already screwed up world._

_The door opened._

_And writers came through._


	2. Enter Problems

Little Todd Casil sat quietly in the back seat of his parent's car, giving his bear Shmee a nervous hug as he listened to his father scream at the man who had suddenly stopped in front of them, causing their car to become part of a very large pile-up.

The yelling outside was escalating and Todd began to wonder if there might be a fight in the future. Some sort of dog flew through the air, mooing piteously, confirming his suspicions. His mother sat in the front seat, humming tunelessly, completely oblivious to the fact that the car was no longer moving.

He'd just been picked up from the Defective Head-Meat Institute after the doctors there had all died hideously in a freak accident involving a chicken man, pliers, and some blue tape. His parents (or at least his father, since his mother was not quite aware of what was actually transpiring) had been reluctant, at best, to retrieve him, but the remaining staff had insisted.

Surprisingly, he was fairly happy about this, even though the people at the hospital would actually talk to him sometimes. Todd would much rather be at home, where he at least knew what made the sinister noises in the middle of the night.

_Back to square one, huh?_

Shmee smiled up at Todd, his one-toothed little bear grin.

"We finally get to go home Shmee! This is great! I knew Mommy and Daddy wouldn't leave me at the crazy house forever!" Todd enthused, glad to be headed back home, despite the delay they were currently experiencing. A shoe and a jar of peanut butter flew past the window.

_I dunno little man. They seemed pretty eager to leave you there at first._

"That's just because they were late to their movie Shmee. It's not like they actually wanted to get rid of me." Todd rationalized.

_Whatever you say kid._

A sudden crash reminded Todd of what was going on outside causing him to jump in his seat and release his trademark "SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" of fear.

The men who had been arguing outside the car were apparently engaged in a rather violent fist-fight, and one of them had just been smashed into an already totaled car.

"Eeep." Todd stared, watching his father tussling with a man who was at least a head shorter than him. The man's arms were incredibly small and useless, but even so he seemed to be winning.

_Heh_.

Todd glanced at Shmee, who sounded highly amused.

_Finally getting what's coming to him, eh?_

The small boy shook his head. "Shmee, that's not nice! He's my dad."

_It may not be nice, but it's happening._

Todd winced as he watched his father sock the other man in the nose. "M-maybe I should…"

_Don't even think about it, kid. You'll get killed out there._

However, poor little Todd was not listening. Ignoring Shmee's advice, he opened the car door cautiously.

"Are you leaving now, little boy?" His mother asked absent-mindedly.

"Just for a minute, Mommy. I hafta stop Daddy from getting killed." He answered in a quiet, petrified voice as he stepped out of the car

"Oh. Okay then, strange little boy. Have fun!" She said cheerfully.

Todd sighed, pulling Shmee with him as he closed the car door, and turned around, intending to prevent his father from getting too badly hurt.

It was at this moment that he saw the door.

It was standing harmlessly in the middle of the street; the huge car wrecks that had occurred as a result of its appearance had done nothing to change that. Todd stared at it, wondering why on earth someone would choose to put a door in the middle of the street.

"What's that Shmee?"

_That's a door Todd. _

"But why is in the road?"

_You tell me._

Little Todd approached the door carefully, all thoughts of rescuing his father gone. The mysterious portal loomed over the child, covering him in its shadow and causing him to-- shiver. It seemed to stretch and --shiver, as if it were coming from a television with bad reception.

"I wonder…"

Todd reached for the handle, but quickly drew back his hand as the handle turned on its own. In fact, he drew back so fast he fell over, and sat himself abruptly on the ground with a small "Squee!" of surprise.

"Oh jeeze, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"

Large hands grabbed Todd by the shoulders, setting him back on his feet.

"I'm so sorry, I just didn't see you there kiddo."

Todd stared up at a tall, thin girl, who had just stepped out from behind the door, and was now helping him to his feet. She blinked at him from behind ragged bangs, and he shifted from foot to foot. Her large eyes made him nervous, and she seemed to be studying him, as if trying to recall something important. Suddenly she snapped her fingers and whooped, causing Todd to jump slightly.

The girl snickered a little at his reaction, then bent down to his level, ruffling his hair. "Hey, you're Squee, aren't you?" She asked in the manner of a babysitter meeting their new charge.

Todd continued to stare wide-eyed at the girl. She grinned at him, displaying a dangerous-looking set of teeth.

_How does she know what He calls you?_ Shmee asked, showing an immediate dislike for the girl.

"I dunno Shmee." He muttered, before answering.

"Y-yeah. That's what the… the scary neighbor man calls me."

The girls grin widened at this remark. Todd took a step backwards.

"Really? NEAT!" The girl rose from her crouched position near him and turned around, sticking her head back inside the door.

"HEY NIKKI!" He could hear her yell, "You've gotta see this!"

_Push her in. _Shmee urged.

He probably would have too, as this seemed like a very good idea at the time, but before Todd could make a move, the girl had turned back around, and this time she was joined by another.

"Happy belated birthday." The first one muttered to her friend, pointing at Todd.

This new girl was shorter than the first (in fact, she was only a little taller than Todd.) Her hair was longer than the first's, and done up in pig-tails on either side of her head. She wore a pair of very large, thick glasses and a hideous sweater which was much too big for her tiny frame. All of these things combined to make her look like some sort of crazy Easter Bunny.

She stared at our little hero in shock, breathlessly asking her friend "Is it really..?"

"Yup."

"And he's got..?"

"Correct."

"And we're gonna..?"

"You guessed it."

Before Todd could say anything, he was knocked to the ground in a flying hug, the new girl screaming "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD!" As she squeezed many small frightened noises out of him.

The tall girl stood a small distance away, looking around at the street, which was in general disarray. Cars were still smashed, though it seemed that some people had managed to leave, if their cars were not completely totaled.  
However, this is not what concerned her.

"Something's missing." She muttered to herself. "Not to mention we have no clue where we are."

She grimaced and turned back to see Todd, who made a small noise which could have been translated to "Save me from this crazy person!" being smothered by her friend.

"Nikki! What are you doing?"

The girl called Nikki glanced up from hugging Todd, who looked absolutely petrified.

"Nuthin."

The other girl sighed, pinching her nose. "You're practically squeezing the kid to death."

Nikki glanced at Todd, as if to verify the truth of her friend's statement.

"What's your point?"

"Cut it out." The taller one hissed.

Nikki complied, though not with a grumble or two, dropping Todd to the ground.

Satisfied that little Todd was no longer in danger of asphyxiation, the tall girl returned to her contemplation of the asphalt. Todd had begun to wonder if perhaps she had fallen asleep when she suddenly gave a bark of laughter.

"It's so obvious! Duuurrr!"

"What is it, Hazard?" Nikki asked, annoyed. She had been sneaking up behind Todd, who was now alerted to her presence and jumped away nervously.

The taller girl gestured around.

"No color."

Nikki looked confused "What?"

Todd stared at the girl who was now called Hazard, wondering if she was perhaps more crazy than her scary friend.

"No color." She repeated, tugging on the edge of her shirt.

Todd glanced at her shirt, confused. There was nothing wrong with it. "Umm, I don't see..."

However, Nikki suddenly seemed to understand, forgetting about Todd and stopping to examine her own clothing.

"What're we gonna do about this?" She asked, staring at her horrid sweater, which in fact, looked really, really bad in black and white.

The girl called Hazard appeared to be thinking; she stared up at the sky and the outlined clouds of pollution. Suddenly, she spoke, and her voice had a sort of resonance to it, as if she were speaking into a microphone. For a minute, Todd could almost swear that the words she spoke were floating in the air over her head.

"**And suddenly, color came to the world. It filled everything with its wonderful color-y goodness, and those humans smart enough to notice this wonderful oddity were amazed and wondered what it could mean."**

As she said this, Todd began to notice something. There was color. That he had never really noticed it before was what he later guessed, but as Hazard was talking, BAM, it was all suddenly there.

Not too far away, a certain homicidal maniac jerked in surprise when he suddenly noticed that the blood spurting from his victim's wounds was red. However, this jerk only resulted in a slightly more jagged cut than he had hoped for in this case, and he continued his task without remark.

Hazard concluded her little speech with a bow, and turned back to Nikki and Squee with a self-satisfied smile. Todd stared at her in wonder, but Nikki simply sighed glumly, examining her sweater which was now even more disgusting than before.

Hazard, however, was far too satisfied with… whatever she had just done, and did not notice her friend's dejected look. After considering Todd for a moment, she asked

"Hey, where do you live?"

Now, although Todd was a very smart boy, he was not particularly good at giving directions.

"Umm… Over there?"

He guessed, pointing in a direction that he thought seemed correct.

_That's it Todd, point those freaks in the opposite direction._

Todd blushed, embarrassed that his bear was being so rude, and that he'd just given them wrong directions "Be quiet Shmee, they are not freaks." He muttered.

Hazard stared hard at Shmee for a moment, glanced over her shoulder in the direction Todd was pointing, and shook her head. "Y'know what kiddo, why don't we just hitch a ride with you? C'mon Nikki."

_Great, now they wanna come home with us._

Hazard grabbed the moping girl by her elbow. "Let's go find Squee's Daddy."

Nikki perked up at once, a sadistic-looking smile on her face. "Okay!" She practically screamed, eagerly following Hazard.

"Um, hey girl! Please don't hurt my Daddy!" Todd followed after them, an alarmed look on his face.

_Are you kidding? That might be the best thing they could do._

Todd ignored Shmee, trailing behind the girls who were moving towards his dad.

"Don't worry Squee; we won't do anything to him." Nikki said a little too cheerfully.

"Yet." Hazard added under her breath, and both girls cackled rather loudly, causing Todd to give another little "Squee!" of worry as he hurried along behind them.

When the girls reached the car, Todd's father glared at them and growled. "Whadda you want, ya punks? I swear, first I have to deal with the cops, now it's the teen girl squad." Catching sight of Squee, he added "And get back in the car you brat!"

Todd made a small noise of submission, and moved to get back in the car. However, a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He looked up at Hazard, who was smiling in what was probably meant to be a reassuring manner. He shivered.

Nikki stepped forward, trying her best to look intimidating and failing miserably.

_(For future reference, no matter how big and tough you think you are, hand knit sweaters definitely do not equal scary)_

"**We're your… um**," She paused almost immediately, unsure of what to say. Again, Todd noticed the floating words momentarily, but didn't pay much attention to what they said.

Mr. Casil tapped his foot in irritation. "Have you got something to say or what? I'm gonna miss all my infomercials if you don't hurry this up." He snarled.

"**Mr. Casil, we are your long lost distant cousins once removed on your mother's aunt's nephew's side!**" Hazard exclaimed with a salesman's smile, earning herself a glare from Nikki and an incredulous look from Todd.

"You're my what?" Mr. Casil asked, not quite comprehending what she'd said.

"**We're your relatives, and we really like your little son Squee, here**." She simplified, "**We've decided to stay with you for a little while, so we can get to know him better."**

"Well that's just fine." Mr. Casil muttered, clearly not thrilled with the idea of unknown relatives appearing from thin air. Especially if they weren't going to simply take the kid and leave. "More bum kids to take care of, I'm nearly broke as it is-"

"**It's** **quite all right if you're unwilling to take us in, Mr. Casil**." Hazard interrupted, "**But it would be such a shame if you were to lose money over it**." She sighed, waving a fat stack of twenties which had appeared from mid-air in front of his face.

Mr. Casil grabbed the money greedily, shoving it into his pocket. These new relatives were suddenly much more welcome.

"Oh-of course! Well, let's get going then, random girl I've never seen before in my life!" He crowed, actually opening the car door for Hazard, who let Nikki in first, then climbed in and slammed the door before he had a chance to remove his fingers.

"Oh, so sorry Mr. Casil." She smirked, obviously feeling nothing of the sort.

Mr. Casil made a strangled noise of pain in his throat and nodded. He glanced down at Todd, and then climbed into the car with a grimace.

And so poor little Squee was left standing alone outside the slightly beaten car, which was now turning a light shade of green. It sort of looked like vomit. He hugged his bear tightly, and glanced back at the Door. It was still standing in the center of the road.

"I wonder if anyone will notice how weird that is." He whispered to the stuffed creature.

_Does anyone ever notice, Todd?_

Squee gave a small mutter of assent, casting his large eyes up to the large, newly blue sky.

"Look Shmee, it's so pretty! Maybe things will get better now."

With this happy thought, Todd clambered into the back seat next to the two strange girls, who gave him identical monstrous grins.

It was really creepy.

Todd stared at the back of his dad's seat and whimpered.

_Then again, maybe not._


	3. Permission to Land

_Well, finally. _

_I know that's what you're all thinking, 'cause it's going through my mind too. After many long months of working on this chapter, I certainly hopes it lives up to expectations. (if there were any to begin with, I know I didn't have any for this story at first.) I'd like to thank all my lovely reviewers, (for encouraging me when I feel like it just won't work,) and also my lovely sister, (for being an amazing beta and a great friend). _

_Read. _

_Reveiw._

_Enjoy._

_(P.S. -None of this is mine. I lay claim only to Nikki and Hazard, my darling little demon-children who gnaw on my ears in the dark of night and shriek like monkeys for me to write them more often. All of this is a ploy to shut them up.)_

* * *

The car ride home was eventful, to say the least. Todd noticed that while the occupants of the car seemed fine, the world he could see through his window was changing. It was subtle at first, some flowers growing through the side walk, people's outfits gradually becoming less monotone, but soon the changes became more extreme. The newly found colors fluctuated, causing the sky to take on several different colors at once, and inanimate objects began to move about of their own accord.

"What's happening Shmee?" He asked, staring in horrified fascination as the sun opened an eye and winked at him.

_I'm not sure kiddo, but I think your weird friends might be the cause of it._

Todd glanced over at the two girls, unwilling to believe ill of either of them, even if they were a bit… odd.

Nikki giggled madly, pointing out the window at an old fat man who was walking a particularly ugly dog. As Squee watched, the man's head slowly began to shrink, making him seem comically disproportionate. Just as the car turned the corner, Todd was sure he saw it disappear completely.

Todd stared at his co-passengers in amazement, worried his head might turn into a mango if he wasn't careful.

Who knew what kind of scary things they could do, if they were really the ones causing The Weirdness? They looked …fairly normal. Except for Nikki's sweater.

It was horrible. Oh, how disturbingly ugly it was…

Todd shuddered, wondering how anyone could stand to wear something so gruesome. Its colors seemed to change constantly, though as pretty as that sounds, believe me, it was nothing short of hideous.

Squee hugged his bear tightly. "I hope we get home soon Shmee."

_Don't look now kid, but it's gonna get worse._

Hazard's jaw dropped as the car carrying the world's newest citizens pulled up to house 779. "There… there… there… THERE-!" She stuttered, seemingly unable to articulate as she pointed a shaking hand at the decrepit house next door.

"Yes, yes that's the place. Now stop stuttering, you'll look like an idiot." Nikki dismissed Hazard's stupefied reaction, climbing out of the cramped car.

"Err… what do you mean she'll look like an idiot?" Squee questioned, tumbling out after her, narrowly escaping the slamming door before his father pulled out of the driveway and sped away down the street and out of sight, probably on the way to spend as much of his "relative's" money as possible. Squee watched the car disappear, before he turned back to the two girls, gazing at them expectantly while clutching Shmee to his chest. Nikki stared at him for a moment, possibly having forgotten he was there.

"Well, she'll look stupid to everyone watching us, of course." She said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, flapping her hand idly in dismissal.

"Now where's the crazy guy?" She muttered, clearly taking her previous statement lightly.

"Squeee! Who's watching? Where?!?" Little Todd was, needless to say, quite alarmed by this remark. "I don't want to be watched! SQUEEE!!"

Nikki watched poor little Todd for a moment, finding his panic mildly interesting. Hazard however, seemed just as alarmed as Todd.

"No! No, it's okay!" She yelped, catching Todd before he could run for cover.

"No one's watching you." She said quietly, placing a comforting hand on the boy's heaving shoulder. The little boy's heart was racing, ready to burst out of his chest in a fit of nerves.

"Nikki's just a little…" She trailed off, twirling her finger around near her temple and making a goofy face, causing Squee to calm down a little, and Nikki to give an indignant "Hey!"

Squee gave a nervous smile, feeling slightly better. Hazard seemed a little less scary than her friend, and she was even being sort of… **nice** to him.

_Which is more than can be said of most people._ Shmee commented, having been silent for much of the ride.

"That's not true Shmee, that man at the Head-Meat place was pretty nice…" He whispered back urgently.

_Yeah, except when he was trying to melt your brain._

"HEY HAZARD! Check it out!" Nikki was standing on the sidewalk in front of the scary neighbor man's house, pointing and grinning enthusiastically at a sign erected in the loose soil.

Todd let out a small squeak of fear as Hazard immediately darted over to her friend, leaving him standing alone in the driveway as she sped towards a place that featured prominently in some of his worst nightmares.

"W-wait! You don't wanna go over there! Squeee…"

Little Todd watched apprehensively as the girls studied the sign, Hazard breaking into feverish gibbering. However, as giant skeletal hands did not emerge from the earth to drag them screaming to their doom, he decided it might be safe enough to go warn the girls before anything bad could happen.

Squee walked toward the girls, glancing nervously at the desolate house every few steps. True, the scary neighbor man hadn't actually lived there for at least as long as he'd been in the Head Meat place, but Todd couldn't shake the feeling that he would somehow **know** what was taking place outside.

The girls were whispering excitedly to each other when Todd reached them. He tugged gently on Hazard's shirt, still casting fearful glances at the house of nightmares, which seemed to him to be looming larger every second. " Umm..you reeeeally don't want to be here Hazard. It's not-"

Little Todd's statement was cut short as the girls did something that was very, very, extremely not good. The two strange visitors walked up to the door. Squee watched with a growing sense of horror as Nikki reached for the doorbell. Something… horrible was about to happen. As the chime of the doorbell rang through the air, Todd let out a small "Squee!" of fright, rooted to the spot in which he stood. He clutched Shmee to his chest in a veritable death grip of terror, and the bear muttered darkly.

_This will not end well._

* * *

Now before the doorbell was rung, before the strange new people had even come through the door, _(last night, in fact,)_ the single resident of house 777 had been crawling around on the floor, looking for food. No, he wasn't starving or grievously injured, as you might think. There is in fact, very little that can actually kill him.

He is a cockroach, after all.

Yes indeed, Mr. Samsa was having a fairly average day. Most of the morning had been spent creeping up the stairs from one of the basements, where he'd gotten a taste of something that might have been an eyeball. However, the small insect was still rather hungry, and so had decided somewhere in the recesses of his tiny mind to go looking for something more substantial than eye jelly.

Upon finally reaching the place which generally retained the most food in the house (which was still very little) the little cockroach skittered about in excitement. The kitchen was full of smells, though many of them were stale, and not all of them were desirable. He could distinctly taste the reek of arsenic from one of the cupboards, and so avoided that end of the room. But luck was with our insectile friend, and he was quite overjoyed to find an abandoned package of **something** lying on the counter. The substance found in that container was so full of the strange color-tasting smells that most food seemed to have now that the little bug was almost unsure if it was even edible. Still, beggars can't be choosers, and he eagerly began to munch on the strange orange blocks, disappearing quickly into the box.

One of the only other occupants of the house who was not dead or decomposing sat motionless in what might have been considered the living room.

Being made of plastic, he was never really alive to begin with.

Reverend MEAT perched quietly on an upturned box, painted eyes staring blankly across the room at the two Styrofoam figures pinned to the wall, each with a knife stuck through them.

…

_So? Anybody wanna play tic tac toe? _The little meat figure asked the world in general.

_Shut the FUCK up Meat. _One of the pastry displays snapped

_If you hadn't gone and __fucking__ screwed things up, our boy wouldn't have gone on this retarded-ass crusade to get rid of his shtupid 'feelings' and left us here to collect dust!!_

_Still so bitter, Mr. Eff? _Meat asked sweetly, his faced twisted into a hideous grin, yet somehow still the same.

_You had your chance to free yourself you waste of space, and you failed. Get over it._

Mr. Eff's Styrofoam body quivered slightly but remained unmoving despite the effort. _Easy for you to say Burger boy! You aren't the one with a knife through your stomach._

_At least I've actually convinced him to __do__ something. That's more than you could ever do, and you know it_. Meat smirked, his grin growing even wider, if that was possible.

_Maybe when he gets back I'll tell him to set you on fire_.

_Go fuck the garbage grinder, asshole. _Mr. Eff fumed.

_How about you Psycho Doughboy? You got anything to say about this?_

Silence answered the plastic figure's inquiry.

_Heh. He thinks if he doesn't talk he might eventually forget he exists. _Mr. Eff taunted.

_He's still pissed that he didn't get pulled into the void with that worthless blob of slime he called master._

…_my…my master forgot me. _Sighed the doughboy with the knife through his head.

_Oh, will you shut UP about that already!?! It's been weeks! '__Get over It__', as our Meat friend put it. _Eff growled.

_Oh, sweet black oblivion. I was so close…_ The other doughboy lamented.

_SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!!! _Mr. Eff screamed.

_Just be quiet! You've been moaning like a zitfaced teenager since I don't know when! If you hadn't fucked things up I'd have taken you out personally you fucking asshole!_

_You could never appreciate the grandeur of the idea, Mr. Eff, the importance of the end! The finale of life is its grandest moment! It's most epic spectacle!_

_Isn't it ironic then, that you pretty much ruined it for both of us!? What's the point in the end if you never enjoyed anything but that last part!?! No thanks, I don't want any ice cream; I just want the goop at the bottom of the package!!_

_Much as I've enjoyed this little spectacle, _Meat interrupted, the smirk still present in his voice.

_There is something I feel the two of you should know._

_WHAT!?! _Both Doughboys shouted, annoyed at being interrupted in the heat of their argument.

Reverend MEAT flashed his unchanging grin at them menacingly.

_Johnny's back._

* * *

And now, friends, keeping these events in mind, we move into yet another time warp; sending us even further back into the past of the present which is no longer now but was so at the time. In fact, we've now gone so far back in time as the day before today, if we assume that today is the day the Door appeared, (which it is) and the conversation we've just witnessed took place in the late evening the day before (which it did).

So, taking all of this into account, we are now present at approximately 11:27 P.M. on the evening our beloved Johnny returned.

Or should I say night?

Nights were always the best time to be out. You didn't have to focus on the details, because in the shadows cast by skyscrapers and the buzzing glow of the streetlights everything was simpler.

But things could get ugly, just like anything else. People'd get fucked up and try to mug you (or vice versa), or maybe the trash crawling around in the gutters would suddenly morph into tap-dancing pineapples and scamper away singing "American Pie".

You could never tell if these things were actually happening or just another product of your hopelessly insane mind.

At least, some people had that problem.

Johnny C. for instance, often had trouble distinguishing reality from the wasted by-products of his poisoned mind.

At this moment, our protagonist was calmly retracing the path back to his car, carrying a bag heavy with greasy taco-y goodness in one hand, and dragging a senseless Taco Hell server behind him with the other.

Nny was on his way back home, and it felt good.

After all, returning from parts unknown is never easy.

If it were, all those old stories about traveling from one place to another and all the stuff that happens in between would be pointless. You'd be surprised how often you actually _do_ have to use that sword you stole from the goblins a ways back.

The server muttered something that sounded like 'Too much… **meat**!" As Johnny shoved him into the trunk of his car and attempted to close the lid.

It refused to be closed, as the man was a bit too large to fit easily. Frowning at this mild setback, Johnny decided that cutting the man into pieces for transport would be too messy, and he really didn't want to muck up the inside of his car, especially just after he'd cleaned it out. Instead, he folded the server's legs backwards until his feet were even with his eyes. The man's legs snapped at least twice.

Satisfied that his cargo now fit in the trunk, Johnny climbed into his car, which was still distinctively ugly, and perhaps a little rougher for the wear now that he'd put it through who knows what. He grinned, happy with a job well done, placing the bag of tacos on the seat beside him and jolting the car into life with a turn of the keys.

Pulling out from under the bridge where his car had been parked, Johnny took a moment to consider his surroundings, (resulting in many aggravated honks from the cars behind him) and floored it, blasting down the road in the direction of the one place he'd thought he'd never see again. Home.

It was a mark of Johnny's unusual good mood that the car managed to make it back to the old neighborhood without any new road kill plastered to the front.

* * *

The haze and peaceful quiet of a late summer afternoon lay on Belchley Street; (I mean, what the hell? I've lost track of time already, and things like that never made much sense to begin with. Time is relative after all…) the only disturbance was the slight sway of the heat waves as they rose from the asphalt. In fact, the silence and peaceful, non-threatening atmosphere had become an almost daily occurrence since the sole resident of house #777 had disappeared without a trace.

Unfortunately, that was about to change.

The squeal of tires on asphalt sounded in the empty street as a dirty, beat-up old junker rocketed off the main road. The creaking metal death-trap barreled down the street 'till the driver slammed on the brakes (which screamed in protest), swerving to a crooked stop in the drive way of house #777.

A tall-ish, skinny man jumped out of the car and stood proudly on the driveway as smoke rose from the fresh skid marks in the street. Johnny C. grinned widely, plucking a pair of really neat sunglasses from his nose as he glanced around at the abandoned street.

Someone's car alarm was going off nearby, one of the street lights had fallen onto someone's house and crashed through the roof, and the fire hydrant had been smashed and was spouting jets of water into the street.

"Yay!" Johnny squealed, dancing over way more than a week's worth of newspapers and bolting through the door of his house, which swung loosely on its hinges, squeaking as he neglected to close it.

The roof of the house the street light had crashed into caught on fire, and sirens went off in the distance.

* * *

"I'm HOME!!!"

Johnny shouted triumphantly as he burst through the door, striking a heroic pose in the center of the room and grinning like… well… a maniac.

And then his head exploded.

Not.

Glancing around at the dilapidated conditions of the house, our hero slumped, surprised at its condition. Piles of trash were collected in the corners, and at least one of the windows had been smashed in.

Reverend Meat sat on his upturned box against the far wall, just as he had always been.

"What the hell? Did you guys have a party without me?" Johnny asked, kicking at an empty soda can as he picked his way across the room.

_No._

_Nothing happened. _ Meat replied from his not-so-lofty perch_. It's always been like this._

Johnny sighed in irritation, nudging a particularly dead-looking cat with the toe of one boot.

"There's so much shit in here." He muttered to himself.

_Oh, you just noticed?_ The Meaty guy retorted, glad that Johnny's return had at least forced the Doughboys to shut up.

_You've only been gone a week. _He added as Johnny picked up a box labeled **'Spare Parts'**, which was overflowing with semi-rotten human limbs & pieces of what might have been a car.

Struggling over to the door with his burden, Johnny kicked the door open (it had closed earlier of it's own accord) and tossed the box out onto the sidewalk, where it's contents spilled over the ground, contaminating the accumulated newspapers. After staring for a moment, Johnny shrugged turning back into the house and began to collect some of the other garbage lying on the ground.

"I didn't even know I got the newspaper." He muttered to himself.

_Why'd you come back anyway? _Meat asked, somewhat peeved that Johnny had not responded to any of his earlier comments.

"I got bored." Johnny replied, tossing another armload of trash out the broken window.

_That seems uncharacteristically lazy. _Meat growled suspiciously.

"Since when do you care?" Johnny hissed back, not missing a beat. Some empty bean cans and a package of Deelicious Weenies flew out the window.

"At least I'm feeling again."

_I'm just wondering why you gave up so easily, Mr. Slave-To-Nothing_. Meat sneered, unwilling to let the issue drop.

'250 Ways to Improve Your Torture Techniques' and a bloody stuffed dog soared past a child riding her bike in front of the house. She sped up and was dragged down an alley by something large with tentacles.

_You seemed so eager to fight me at first, this is almost disappointing._

"Speaking of tacos, where's Mr. Samsa?" Nny questioned, completely ignoring Meat's obvious search for answers.

_He's in the kitchen, but seriously-_

Johnny cursed loudly, interrupting what would surely have been a repetition of Meat's question. "That stupid little insect better not be in my cheez-e bites!"

As the homicidal maniac dashed into the kitchen to save his precious snack-foods from certain doom, Meat huffed in irritation.

_Looks like you haven't got as much control as you thought, huh Meat-boy? _Eff gloated.

_Shut it you defective Barbie. It's just a momentary distraction._

"God DAMMIT Samsa! What the fuck are you doing in my FOOD!?!"

A crash, and the noise of small, crunchy food articles falling to the ground followed this outburst, and a small, black blur skittered across the floor, away from the kitchen.

A ruffled-looking Nny stumbled out of the kitchen, glaring daggers at the tiny insect, who twitched his antennae at him from across the room. Shaking some of the orange chips out of his hair, Nny started across the room, kicking trash out of his way furiously.

"Alright Mr. Samsa, that's IT! This time, I'll squish you so far into the ground-!"

At this moment, Mr. Samsa was saved from a gooey fate by the doorbell, which gave an unusually pleasant chime noise. The zapping mechanism had long since ceased to work, thus leaving out the customary scream of pain our protagonist had come to associate with the doorbell.

Johnny froze in position, one leg raised to stomp the offending insect, a murderous look upon his face. Slowly, his head twisted around to face the door, not quite believing that it had actually interrupted his bug-squishing rampage.

As if to confirm this, the doorbell rang yet again, it's uncharacteristically cheerful sound causing our beloved homicidal maniac to wince.

_Maybe you should answer that. _

The doorbell begin to ring repeatedly, as if the person outside simply could not wait to be stabbed through the chest with some rusty engine parts.

One of Johnny's eyes twitched.

Growling under his breath about irritations and inconsideration, he stomped over to the door and yanked it open.

* * *

The first thing Johnny was aware of upon opening the door was two very large eyes, and an equally huge and somewhat unnerving smile.

"SALUTATIONS!!" The strange girl screeched in his face. She was slightly taller than him, and seemed far too excited for someone who was about to be ripped limb from limb.

"Hello Mr. C! So good to finally meet you! It's an honor, sir!" A slightly squeaky voice declared.

Looking around for its source, our hero found a very small girl standing next to the first.

At least, he figured she must be a small girl. Either that or she was a talking rabbit in a really ugly sweater.

"And if I may," the rabbit-girl continued,

"You may not." Johnny snarled

"-that is an absolutely diabolical shirt you're wearing! Is that the kanji for 'doom'?" She chirruped unaware of how her head was beginning to look very much like a watermelon.

Johnny was quickly becoming extremely annoyed. Whoever these people were, they were just asking to be chopped into itsy-bitsy pieces and fed to Mr. Samsa.

"Look, whatever you're selling, I don't want it. I suggest you leave before I-"

"No, no, it's quite all right Johnny. Err… Nny, may I call you Nny?" The tall girl brushed him off, flapping her hand in the air idly as she stepped past him into the house. The little rabbit-girl followed her, looking around at the dilapidated interior with wide, shiny eyes.

"I must say that this place is just slightly more disgusting than I imagined it." The little one sniffed, sounding disappointed as she poked at one of the piles of garbage.

Johnny's eye twitched dangerously. These girls did not have any sense of self preservation.

The taller girl was examining the Doughboys with interest. She lightly traced the 'Z?' on Mr. Eff's stomach with one finger, muttering to herself.

The smaller was digging through the piles of garbage.

"Hey, look! Ancient back issues of _Mope_ Magazine! You can't even get some of these anymore!" the rabbit screeched, ripping through a box labeled 'Top Secret'

"Would it bother you too much," Johnny hissed

"to tell me why you just waltzed into my house for no reason?!?!"

"Well, you just answered your own question, didn't you?" The smaller one quipped, tossing something that looked like a cactus over her shoulder.

"No reason."

Johnny's knife was at her throat in under a second.

"You aren't in a position to be stupid." He growled.

"I thought that was called being smart?" the taller one questioned idly, still examining the Doughboys, apparently unaware of her friend's plight.

"No, it's called lack of manners and a sense of decency." He snarled.

The smaller girl whimpered slightly, catching the other's attention. She half-turned away from the Doughboys, raising an eyebrow at the shorter girl's predicament.

"Just change it you twit." Was all she said, flipping her hand back and forth dismissively before turning back to whatever her previous task was.

The rabbit girl's eyes widened at her friend's apparent indifference. Johnny grinned, picking her up by one of her pig tails.

"Umm, H-Hazard? HELP!" She squealed kicking her pitifully short legs in the air, as Johnny spun her around.

He glared at the taller girl, Hazard, who sighed in irritation as she turned away from the Doughboys yet again.

She stared for a moment at the scene before her, her friend suspended in midair by her pigtails, a knife poised at her throat.

"Why do I have to do everything around here?" She growled.

Pointing at Johnny's knife, she said. "**You're holding flowers**, by the way."

Johnny blinked. Okay, this girl was a little crazy. No matter. Her little rabbit friend was dead anyway. Grinning, he thrust the knife at the rabbit midget girl and…

**Smush.**

"What?" He stared in horror at his knife, which was now no longer a knife, but a colorful and completely harmless bouquet of flowers.

"WHAT?!?!" Johnny shrieked, throwing the flowers across the room where they bounced ineffectively off the floor. It would have been so much more dramatic if they had shattered a window, Hazard would later lament.

"What the hell did you do?!"

Hazard grinned widely at the confused maniac. She flapped her hand in the air as if brushing the incident away, a gesture Johnny was beginning to find VERY annoying.

"Sorry about that. I've gotta say, this place is better that I imagined. It's got the whole 'horror movie' feel goin' on like nobody's business. I'm really excited about the next few days. I've got a good feeling about this, I think it'll all work out quite nicely, don't you agree?"

Johnny stared at the beanstalk girl blankly, dropping the rabbit girl to the ground where she scuttled away from him as fast as possible. His eye twitched yet again, and Hazard continued to smile benignly as the shorter girl edged her way towards the door, glancing between the two nervously.

"What the FUCK?!" Johnny finally burst, causing the tiny girl to give a frightened squeak and flatten herself against the wall.

"What the hell is this!? How the hell did you do that thing with the flowers and why the hell are you in my house?! And how did you know my name?! And why did you-?!"

"We sir, are here to serve!"

Hazard stated with an exaggerated bow, her head falling nearly all the way to the floor.

Johnny raised an incredulous eyebrow, and she jumped up yet again, the same stupid grin plastered on her face. (He imagined lopping her stupid head right off her neck and watching it roll around on the floor, repeating the words "Here to serve! Here to serve!" It made him giggle on the inside.)

It seemed, however, that the irritating beanstalk was not quite done with her jabbering.

"Nah, I kid. This here is our escape, sir, our diversion from the tedious reality in which we find ourselves mired, a trick to take us away from the trappings of the mundane! And really, it's such a magnificent thing, this fucked up little world of yours. I'm quite glad your creator was so lazy as to leave it for us."

"So in other words, I'm having another one of my crazy dreams?" Johnny concluded, looking slightly disappointed. He'd been looking forward to the idea of killing someone who could apparently change knives into flowers.

"Not really, more like _I'm_ having one of your crazy dreams, and dragging you and everyone else along for the ride." Hazard amended, seeming overly excited about the whole thing.

"Did I mention it's great to finally meet you?! Granted, you are a completely psycho killing machine, but still, I'm honored! My name is Hazard and my little friend over there,"

She gestured at the smaller girl, who had seemingly recovered from her fright and was once again pilfering items from Johnny's trash.

"-is Nikki, and we're gonna be your writers from now on! Isn't this just great?! WOW! I'm just so… EXCITED!" Hazard practically screamed, sweeping the stunned maniac into a bone-crushing hug.

"Let. go. of. ME!" Johnny growled, finally succeeding in freeing himself from the irrational display of affection. Having his lungs pulverized by insane teenagers was definitely not on his to-do list.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have some kind of invading people's houses and then hugging them problem? Normally you'd be ground beef by now, but you turned my knife into FLOWERS! I really liked that one too! Dammit!"

Hazard was still smiling that obnoxiously cheery smile. Johnny thought he'd like to carve the lips right off her face. She'd still be smiling all the time, but it wouldn't look as nice.

"Much as I'm sure I'd love to get turned into a human Sloppy Joe, I'm afraid that there are more important matters to attend to, like Todd here."

Hazard snapped her fingers, and little Todd appeared in a poof of purple smoke and green confetti. The result was chaos.

"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Todd screamed, glancing around wildly at his new surroundings. "Where am I?! What's going on?! I want my mommieeeeeee!!!"

"Oh MAN! I love this thing!" Hazard exclaimed, staring at her hands like they were made of gold. At that moment she was tackled around the legs by a screaming human bullet (Squee) and her arms began pin-wheeling wildly to help maintain balance.

It did not work.

"Yii!" was the highly articulate sound Hazard made as she crashed into Johnny C. who in an effort to remain upright grabbed onto a chair which overturned on both of them, resulting in more cries of:

"OW! Dammit!"

"SQUEEEE!!"

"Fuck! GET OUT!!"

Nikki watched transfixed as the three screaming humans attempted to remove themselves from their tangled knot of chair and limbs. This entertaining spectacle would undoubtedly have gone on for some time if not for one thing.

"Eep!"

Hazard froze, a shiver going over her whole body.

"There's… something. On. My. Neck." She hissed, abject fear evident in her voice.

Johnny simply glared, until he noticed Mr. Samsa perching quite happily on the girl's stupid neck. A smile that can only be described as evil broke across Johnny's face.

"Is it…?" Hazard asked, seemingly too horrified to specifically address anyone.

"Umm…" Squee, glanced between Hazard and Johnny, unsure which was worse, whatever scared Hazard, or a grinning maniac.

"Is it…?!" She asked again, a slight edge of hysteria in her tone now.

"Uh huh." Johnny nodded, hoping whatever he was agreeing to would get rid of this crazy girl.

"SPIDERS!!!" Hazard shrieked, leaping out of the human pile and dancing around the room crazily, jumping from one foot to the other and screaming hysterically.

"Spiders spiders SPIDERS!!!"

"EEEE!! I don't like spiders! Squeee!" Todd jumped up as well, repeating Hazard's crazy jig in a smaller, cuter way.

Johnny simply lay on the floor, feeling mildly disappointed that the girl was scared of spiders and not cockroaches. Mr. Samsa landed abruptly on Johnny's chest, having been flung off the screaming girl. The little cockroach seemed dazed, and promptly fell onto the floor, where he managed to scuttle away before Johnny could squish him.

"Ouch. Dammit. Ouch." Our very own psycho-billy muttered as he was repeatedly trampled by the dancing beanstalk who was still screaming about SPIDERS!

"Hey! Hey! …HEY!! " Johnny shrieked, bringing an end to all activity in the room with this last high-pitched squeal, four wide sets of eyes focused on him. (The fourth belonged to Mr. Samsa, safely hidden away in a forgotten bag of Senor Salsa chips)

"Wow." The first (highly articulate) response.

"I honestly never thought a guy's voice could go that high." Nikki mumbled, sounding awed.

"Shut up! I have a condition." Johnny snarled, whipping out another knife.

"Where do you get all those?!" Nikki sighed in exasperation as Nny advanced on her, looking murderous. (but he always looks that way, doesn't he? Oh well.)

"You know what Nny? I'm sure we'd all love to hear about your _condition_, and all your other problems too!"

Hazard laughed shakily, (she was still a little freaked from the spider thing) interposing herself between the homicidal maniac and the rabbit.

"I'm sure you have lots of them! Lots and lots and lots…"

She trailed off, staring into space momentarily, during which time Nny attempted to move around her to get to the dead girl on the other side. Unfortunately she shook herself out of it in time and jumped in his was again, earning a growl from the maniac and a happy squeal from the rabbit-girl.

"But y'know, we've really gotta go! I'm starting to think we might've over-stayed our welcome." Hazard smiled brilliantly, (ever the diplomat,) and began slowly backing towards the door, Nikki retreating far more quickly behind her.

Johnny was quite past civilized words at the moment and managed a vicious snarl, which, under the circumstances, was quite an accomplishment.

Hazard chuckled nervously, continuing. "B-but, y'know, we really won't be far away at all! In fact…"

Stepping backwards out the door, Hazard jerked a thumb over her shoulder.

"We'll be right over there." She said brightly.

Johnny glanced over her shoulder in the direction indicated and paused in his murderous rage to consider the strangely lopsided castle which was hanging off a cliff that seemed to be looming directly above his small house.

"How come I never noticed that before?" He muttered, momentarily amazed at his own lack of awareness. He glanced at Hazard and the two shrugged in unison, before resuming their roles as potential murderer and potential murder-ee.

"Great! Heh. Great." Hazard giggled, still backing away slowly.

"Hey Nikki, do we got everything?" she said in a stage-whisper to her puny friend, whose head wobbled like a wobbly thing in response.

Hazard seemed to gain some confidence from this response, drawing herself up once again so she seemed a bit taller than the moment before when she had been shrinking from Johnny's angry advance. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers, causing poor little Todd to appear once again in a poof of confetti, this time in midair.

"Almost forgot." Hazard offered, catching the little Squee before he could hit the ground.

"Squeegee? You know these freaks?" Johnny asked in mild confusion. If these two were bothering Squee, there'd be hell to pay.

Squee clutched his Shmee-bear, glancing frantically back and forth between Nny and Hazard, trying to decide which was safer; a homicidal maniac, or a crazy girl who happened to be able to make him go poof to wherever she wanted.

_As much as I hate to say it, I'd go with the homicidal maniac._

Squee gulped, staring wide-eyed at Nny who was looking more and more livid by the second. Shmee hated Nny. (Really truly deeply _hated_) If he thought Nny was a better option than Hazard, something was definitely wrong.

"We'll be going now." Hazard stated, Nikki dancing in excitement (or maybe fear) at her side as Johnny lunged forward, knife extended and…

BOOM!

_FWOOSH_

_Shing._

"AAAARGH!"

For the second time that day Johnny the Homicidal Maniac had missed at what should have been a killing stroke.

(An exceedingly improbable occurrence, which might otherwise have indicated that our dear psychopath was losing his touch. (however, circumstances being what they are, we must allow Nny a certain amount of leeway, as he can hardly be expected to stand up to two children that happen to be altering the fabric of reality))

However, things being as they were (are?) Johnny was forced to watch in irritated fascination as his targets flew away from him on what looked to be a giant firecracker.

He thought he heard someone yelling "Adiooooosss!" as the rocket wound it's way through the sky towards the crooked castle, before crashing noisily through the roof. Johnny continued to stare as part of the roof collapsed and a thin stream of smoke began winding it's way skyward.

A small and pitiful whine of "Ouchies…" could be faintly heard, presumably from the rabbit girl.

Johnny continued to stand on his front lawn and stare in bewilderment for several minutes, before deciding the situation was out of his hands and returning to the disorder of his house with a firm pronouncement of: "FUCK this!" slamming the door behind him.

Peace once again reigned on Belchley Street. (Except in the alleys, where some tentacle monsters were having a rather loud and obnoxious party, but some concerned neighbors called the cops and put the kibosh on that in a hurry.)

* * *

Elsewhere in the same horrible, dirty and pointy world, Mr. Casil was marching down the sidewalk in an exceptionally foul mood. His doped-up wife trailing along behind him humming tunelessly, Mr. Casil blustered along, distributing glares and veiled threats to all who crossed his path.

Despite their money-giving tendencies, Mr. Casil was certain if those two 'relatives' of his stayed around much longer than today they would quickly run out of generosity in the face of his son's horrible uselessness (or they'd run out of money, whichever came first)

Having determined this within a few minutes of leaving his driveway, Mr. Casil next had to tackle the problem of whether to simply kick them out of his house, or else call the cops on them when he got home.

On the one hand, if he just kicked them out, he might be able to squeeze a few extra bucks out of them (if they were still feeling charitable after being tossed out on their tails.) On the other, if he called the cops he might be able to convince them to take the kid as well. What was his name again? Squee? Whatever.

Deeply mired in his monetary musings, Mr. Casil did not notice when a door appeared out of thin air directly in front of him. So absorbed was he in his thoughts of the fuzz and family matters that he may have simply opened the door and walked through it had it not chosen that very moment to open of it's own accord and spill a heap of black-clad teenagers all over him.

"Eeek!"

"What the fuck?"

"I _told_ you!"

"F-FUCK! Get OFF me!"

Mrs. Casil, who had conveniently missed having teenagers dumped on her, chose that moment to chirrup, "What's going on honey? Is it those Church of Gawd people again? I told them we didn't want any."

Mr. Casil was unable to respond to his wife's statement due to the fact that his face was being crushed into the pavement as three gawky teenagers in dark clothes used him as a cushion.

"Oh my god! This is, like, so great!" One of those three squealed, jumping excitedly from one foot to another, badly dyed and frizzy black hair flying around in all directions.

"Totally." The second one rasped in voice hoarse from too much smoke. His face was comprised of more than it's fair share of puss-filled piercings, coupled with a bad case of acne.

"Completely… beyond… expectations!" The third sounded utterly ecstatic, spiky blonde hair standing up from his head in clumps. He turned wide eyes on his two companions.

"Who would have thought this place would be so colorful?" He stated, staring wonderingly at the new and strangely pointy world he found himself in.

"Yeah, yeah, so when do we get to the killing part?" The one with the piercings interrupted, making a point to step hard on Mr. Casil's back as he stood up.

Mr. Casil, not accustomed to being used as a human doormat made a few sounds that could have been interpreted as protests before trying to stand up, knocking two out of three teenagers to the ground.

"What…the…fuck?!" he panted, clutching at his ribs which were now rather tender, having fallen victim to the completely unnecessary spikes on the teen's oh-so-fashionable boots.

The girl teenager, having escaped being knocked to the floor with her friends made a small noise of either excitement or fright, (it sounded something like "Eeep!") pointing a single finger shakily at his head.

"L-lookie guys! It's Squee's dad."

"How can you tell? Augh!" The blonde one asked.

Mr. Casil suspected that the 'Augh' resulted from being crushed under the boots of the taller boy with the piercings, who was now glaring at Mr. Casil suspiciously.

"Easy!" The girl replied in a voice that was altogether too perky for her gloomy appearance. "He doesn't have a face!"

Mr. Casil was now extremely irate. Okay, so he didn't have a face. So what? It was a fairly common condition, or so he had come to understand.

"Look you bitch, why don't you and your skinny boyfriends get the fuck out of here! And take your stupid door with you!"

The zit-faced kid with the piercings giggled, an unusually high-pitched sound.

"How can he talk if he has no face?" The kid wondered aloud, causing Mr. Casil to respond by punching him in the gut.

This response was not well received by the dark clad teens.

In fact, Mr. Casil soon found himself once again the unwilling victim of their steel-toed boots as all three joined forces to kick him into a bloody pulp.

Mrs. Casil stood by, humming dreamily as her husband's screams of pain went unnoticed.

Somewhere else in the world, another door opened.


	4. Interlude

_INTERLUDE_

"Umm… could you please let me go?"

"No, I don't fink we will." Said a greasy old pirate.

Squee gulped. He was currently tied up on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. There were smelly, slimy, dirty pirates crawling all over everything, and Shmee was nowhere to be found. It was scary.

"Umm… if you don't let me go, I think the scary neighbor man will kill you." Squee decided to warn his captors.

"Well isn't tha' nice." Said the pirate in the big hat, in a way that suggested it wasn't very nice at all.

"I really mean it, he does all kinds of horrible things to people he doesn't like." Squee shuddered; just thinking about it was awful. "And he can come out of nowhere."

"Well ain't that a coincidence. We 'appen to be in tha middle of nowheres." Said the pirate in the big hat. Squee was beginning to think he was the captain, because all the other pirates stopped to listen when he talked.

"And I don't see any homicidal maniacs waiting to kill us."

"That's 'cause he's right behind you." Squee said in a petrified whisper, and ducked as Johnny proceeded to splatter pirate guts all over everything.


End file.
